Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

Let's get real for a moment.  Heartbreak happens to all of us, and actually happens more often that we may be aware of.  Heartbreak can feel more obvious when a person that we love cheats, lies or leaves us, but it can also happen when we share those vulnerable parts of ourselves to someone who completely dismisses our thoughts, feelings, creativity, etc…

What’s not so obvious is how many times we break our own hearts—heartbreak doesn’t just happen because of someone else's actions. We can do this to ourselves (everyday, every moment) when we don’t choose ourselves—when we value someone else's ideas, beliefs, traditions over what feels correct to us. 

We all know that we live in a global society that doesn’t value self-love. Just about every product being advertised suggests in some way that we have to change ourselves to meet societal standards of health, wealth and beauty.  We’re literally born into the lie that love is found externally and that we have to meet these societal standards in order to be worthy of receiving love.

Let’s take a breath.

I want to shed light on the most common ways you may be breaking your own heart right now, and an activity to support you in unbreaking your heart.

I believe the most common way we cause our self-heartbreak is through negative self-talk. Most of those voices in your head do not originate from you. We weren’t born ‘not liking’, ‘not trusting’ or ‘not believing’ in ourselves, though most likely our society, parents, teachers, peers taught us this.  

The best way to combat negative self-talk is to have a conversation with it. The moment a voice pops in to say something negative, invite more care and compassion toward yourself and that voice; and from that place, remind yourself and the ‘voice’ that those words aren’t true, period. You may not believe it at first, but with practice this technique will quickly end that negative train of thought and also provide healing to the version of you who once believed those words. 

Sometimes the approach is to draw a boundary to how much suffering you’re willing to experience.

Because the truth is, you’re a person worthy of love and you’re effin’ awesome. Your interests and feelings matter, your needs are important, and what you want for your life is valued. Choose to be kind to yourself, and make sure that you’re learning your boundaries, even with yourself. 

I invite you to choose yourself and to stop breaking your own heart. To make this shift, I invite you to:

Stop talking so badly to yourself.

Stop checking up on people who no longer hold space in your life.

Stop daydreaming of ‘worst-case’ scenarios.

Stop depending on others to lead you towards happiness.

One big lie we were born into is the belief that love is found in a relationship outside ourselves. This lie teaches us to seek external validation and creates within us feelings of lack and a desperate desire to feel complete. This lie can lead us down a dark path, separating us from the infinite abundant source of love that flows through us.

The truth is we are our own best friend, coach, therapist, guru, teacher, guide, mentor… and soulmate. 

We are who we’ve been waiting for.

You are the singular most important person in your world and no matter what is going on in your life, YOU are always there with you. Start discovering what it feels like to love yourself, speak kindly to yourself, like who you are, and to invite care and compassion to yourself.  

Here’s a practice - It’s called Mirror Work

Mirror work reflects back to you the feelings, thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself. It makes you immediately aware of the resistance and freedom within you. This practice supports becoming more aware of those negative voices and teaches you to care for yourself. There are an abundance of different practices to do when in the presence of your reflection, and the practice I encourage you to start is mirroring self-positive talk. 

This looks like being in the presence of your reflection for any length of time and beginning to compliment yourself—like you would to a friend, for example, who is wearing a really cool shirt. 

Here are some ideas of what that self-positive talk may look like:

“I like the way your hair is styled”, “That color shirt really suits you”, “I really like how your fingers are shaped”, “You are confident”, “You are loveable”, “You are fun to be with”. 

What's really important here is less about the words you choose and more about the energy behind those words. If you’re not at a ‘liking’ stage in your self-relationship, you can always invite “I want to like myself more, and so I will be kinder to myself today.” 

The more you practice complimenting yourself, affirming yourself and building yourself up, the stronger and more enjoyable your relationship with yourself will be. 

Let me know how the mirror practice goes for you in our Kajabi community. 

Warmly,

Debbie