Sweet And Sour Boundaries

Boundaries are necessary for self-love and safety. How we define our boundaries is a personal decision. You can choose to create boundaries that bring your values into play. Why? Because you deserve care, joy, inner peace, and to be you.

It gets tricky depending on who, when, and how much of it is needed when it comes to drawing the line to set the standards. Boundaries are not walls we build between ourselves, friends, society, and loved ones. It is that sweet spot where we determine what to say, act and behave to create healthy relationships. But, sometimes it may not be that easy and sweet. Sometimes it is uncomfortable when we say "No," "Stop," "I want," and "I need" because there are feelings that come along if we say so. It may be fear, shame, guilt, and even loneliness.   

When we accept the other person's values over ours, it starts getting emotionally sour. The tastes I'm getting are people-pleasing, fitting in, pretending to be friendly, and yet not content with what is happening. Looking from the perspective of our nervous system, "fawning" and "fitting in" are responses to a threat from the parasympathetic nervous system, also known as the social nervous system. Fawning is when we become nicer to minimize the threat. A scenario may look like "If I'm nice and accepting, I won't have to explain my desire, disagree, and get hurt." Fitting in is another safety mechanism that unconsciously protects us, a way of blending in with the environment and not standing out. 

As we become aware of our behaviors, we can slowly shift to explore our boundaries to free ourselves and feel safe in our bodies. An excellent way to increase awareness is by asking questions like;

• What is causing me stress and discomfort in my body?
• Who or what makes me feel energized?
• Who or what drains me?
• Who or what makes me feel safe, supported, or not?

If you are looking to find ways to say no or express disagreement with respect and confidence, these are some examples of different forms to set your limitations.

"This doesn't work for me."

"I've decided not to..."

"I'd rather not..."

"I'm not comfortable with this."

"I can't do that for you."

"Please do not..."

No one has power over you unless you allow them to. It is okay to disagree, not like, or express your unique way and still be friends, partners, and colleagues. Coming closer to your needs and developing meaningful, accurate communication is a skill that requires time, effort, and grace.

With love,

Aysu